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I lost my grandmother a couple of hours ago.

RIP Lucille Mason 12/1/27-5/28/10

Never thought it would hurt this much :(

Current Mood:
crushed crushed
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has started and I know that it can not be nearly as bad as the one that has just ended. I am looking forward to this new year with a bit of hope that things will be better than they were before.

School is going well thankfully. I have a 3.6 GPA with Santa Fe and have been pulling in all A's and since I won't settle for anything less, I imagine will continue to do so.

No love life to speak of, but I hope that will change at some point, as it really sucks to lead such a solitary life. I really miss the companionship that a mate provides.

Current Mood:
contemplative contemplative
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to the last post....dont have a boyfriend anymore as of last night.

I knew things were coming to an end, but it still hurts pretty fucking bad...my arm can show that much. :(

Current Mood:
morose morose
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sometimes I cant help but feel like im wandering alone in the dark.
I am completely apathetic to life and all that around me sometimes, but I have a back seat within myself, watching all this, and I know when I have to pull it all back together...when I have to wake myself back up and put my nose back to the grindstone.

I have a boyfriend who really doesnt seem much like one anymore. The first month or two was great, but then things just seemed to go by the wayside. He said "I love you" first and then after a weekend with the boys just stopped saying it. Sometimes wish he'd never said it at all.

I am just so ready to be finished with school, having a better job, and moving back into my own place where I can be all the hermit I want to be when times like this strike me.

Current Mood:
melancholy melancholy
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So yeah, things have been quite upside down lately, so here they are in no particular order:


My brother is here:

Casey, one of my younger twin brothers, finally got out of prison and moved down here. Unfortunately he brought a woman with him, which is what has ALWAYS been his downfall, and it is proving to be again this time. This woman apparently skipped a court date back in Montana to come down here with Casey, and due to this a warrant was put out for her arrest and the cops came knocking on my dad's door and away she went, expedited back to Montana. Casey, of course, wants to drop everything and go back up there into a bad environment where he will get right back on the drugs and back in trouble and ultimately back in prison, because this chick claims she's pregnant with his kid. No one knows if this is true or not, but there's no telling. Hell, she's still married and has kids with some other guy up there. Quality woman. </br>
I love my brother, but he really drives me insane sometimes with the choices he makes.

Surgery:

Its not secret to the people that I know that I had weight loss surgery back in 2000 at the urging of my ex-husband. I lost about 90 pounds from that surgery and of course after so many years, some of it came back. I did it at that time for my husband, not for myself. Over the years, I've also become increasingly more sick after I would eat, no matter what it was. This made me start thinking of getting a revision of my surgery and so I sought out a surgeon out of Monroe Regional, Dr. Hoddinott. He did some pre-operative procedures and strongly felt that there was no way my first surgeon did the initial procedure correctly. So, we found a way for my insurance to cover the surgery, which I could have had done as soon as the next week, but I went ahead and put it off until July 1, when I would have accrued enough hours at work to get FMLA so that my job was guaranteed to be there when I got back after 6 weeks of recovery. Sure enough, the doctor found that the initial surgery was completely done wrong and I also had an internal hernia he fixed. So, now I'm in recovery from that, which it hasnt been the worst thing I've ever experienced, but I can say I get damn bored sitting at home all day with nothing to do but my homework. The liquid diet isnt that bad (which is what i do for the first two weeks), but lord could I use more variety.

The good news is that this surgery will enable me to lose the weight I obviously need to lose and it will help me feel better, be more energetic, and i think will help my overall mood. Also, due to the surgery, I will no longer be drinking alcohol, which in and of itself is essentially a good thing, because I wont be spending money and I wont say and do stupid things while under the influence anymore.

Relationships:

The week before my surgery I went to an event in Orlando that is specifically for women and men of size and the people who like them and accept them. I had an amazing time, I looked fabulous, I got interviewed on camera by National Geographic for a documentary they were doing, and I met an amazing guy. He lives in Orlando and is a student, but also has a part in a production company and is doing some directing. He is working on a pretty amazing project right now that I am totally impressed with called The Human Resistance. He's handsome, loves my body just how it is, and even came up to Gville to see me in the hospital and again after I got home. I am definitely digging him. :)




I know I dont update often, but there's a bit of a synopsis of my life lately.
Current Mood:
blah blah
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I came to a bbw thing here in orlando...met a guy the first night...and he was wonderful despite the fact that he was from Oregon. But then he pulled some shit tonight where he had a problem where i had said that I like girls as well as guys but far pickier with women. So now its a huge issue. I said...fine..bye...and he talks about how great i am and being my friend..wtf is up with that?

I hate being alive and having human interaction sometimes

Current Mood:
awake awake
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I need to remember that even if no one else gives a fuck that its my birthday...I should be thankful I made it through another year
Current Mood:
blank blank
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....I need to just fucking move out...find a way to pay rent and utilities on my own and pay to go to school. My mother makes me want to slam my fucking head into my desk. I cant stand that she gets fucked over by a guy and just keeps going back for more disappointment and abuse. At least if i dont live with her i dont need to see her do this stupid shit. Even worse...she'll get mad and i'll sympathize with her and then later when she has decided to take him back and want him again even though he's a fucking douche...im the bad guy if i point out the guy is an asshole

*growly, angry, resentful*

Current Mood:
angry angry
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I went and saw Eurydice at the Hipp yesterday before going to my brother's gf's bachelorette party, and it was FANTASTIC (the play...the party was fun too though). I highly recommend those who live here in Gainesville to go see it.

In other news....the guy my mom has been talking to was supposed to come down for the weekend and he never showed up, never called, nothing. I called him and a woman answered. I obviously woke them up and she handed him the phone. He admitted he was the guy who knew my mother and when I said she was worried since he never showed up he said he didnt know what I was talking about and hung up on me. I of course called my mom to tell her all this and she called him to confront him and he says he got to warner robbin's Georgia and drove off the road into a ditch and so turned around and drove back to Columbia, SC. BULLSHIT. Why the hell would you be half way here, get into an accident and turn around and go home? And my mother wonders why I don't trust people or like the men she gets involved with.

God I hope Karma Comes and bites him so god damn hard in the ass!!!!!
Current Mood:
angry angry
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....for sure. I applied for a position two levels above what i am at work and got the job and the raise of about $3.40 above what im making now. Sadly, a co-worker found my myspace page, which if some have seen it, has sexy pics...but nothing fully naked or obscene or anything on it, and she showed it around to other people at work and it caused a huge drama scene, and so bam, promotion and raise taken away. The bitch got a ticket for not wearing a seat belt a day later....god i love karma. Anyhow, I was really upset about it at first, but then decided it was for the best since im in school full time right now along with working full time and getting a's in my classes if not a b in my math class....ugh..math...ick. Anyhow...then this week i spent 10 bucks on a scratch off...and won 100, spent another 20, won 40, lost on a 20 dollar ticket today so stopped playing...that's the pattern.

Sooooo hating valentines day and not having a wonderful day, I hear back from someone I've known from clear back in UC days right after i was divorced and would see maybe once a year or so...and he and i got into a bit of a tiff after my moving back to florida because he was supposed to come over and he didnt and i said something about it and he stopped talking to me. That was back in September. Anyhow...he called tonight and said his dad passed away is why he lost touch...ok..i'll buy that.

anyhow...like i said...life is weird.

ok...end of rambling lol
Current Mood:
weird weird
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